Thoughts from Riding the Rails
We’ve started riding the rails. We walk up to the Sbahn and hop on the train and ride around with no real destination. We’ve ridden the ring almost all the way around the city. We’ve ridden the east/west line from one end of the ring to the other. And we’ve ridden the north/south line from top to bottom.
And we talk. Andy and I are good at talking.
I’ve been feeling restless lately. Antsy for a big change, though I don’t know what exactly.
Our apartment has started feeling too much like the place we work. It’s too easy to spend almost every waking moment on our laptops working, or at least thinking we’re working. So in an effort to step back from the laptops, we’ve started going out more than we normally would.
Through our train talks, I’ve come to realize that I’m feeling stuck in a lot of ways. I’m struggling to figure out ways to make more money, because right now I’m still making less than I did at my entry-level first job out of college in 2002. I don’t like feeling like I have no control over how much I can earn. Every time one income stream starts to increase or I get a new source of income, another source decreases or dries up completely. I feel helpless and desperate.
My biggest passion is travel. So it’s natural that I pursued ways of turning that into a career. But I think somewhere along the way I got burnt out on writing about it. Constantly focusing on travel topics for work has caused me to lose steam with my own blog. I still love travel, but I have a hard time conveying that passion in my personal writing.
This year was tough, in many ways, and didn’t involve much travel. Certainly not much of the kind of travel I truly enjoy. It still upsets me that I had to cancel my trip to Slovenia, the destination I was looking forward to the most this year. I miss experiencing new places and, I’ll admit, checking them off the list.
So as I’m constantly writing about travel, here, on my other site, and with several contracts, I’m finding that I need a change of subject. I want something else to focus on, for the change of scenery so to speak, and so that I can enjoy travel more like I once did. But whenever I get a new idea, it feels like it’s been done to death and it’s not worth going after.
Mostly I’m realizing I need more of a purpose in my life. A big goal. A hobby that doesn’t involve leaving town. Something to focus on that can help reignite…whatever it is that’s been extinguished recently. I don’t even know what “it” is, but I’ve spent nights crying trying to figure it out.
I want to enjoy writing on this site again. I want to have time to write here again. I want to travel more. I want to find other interests. I want to explore Berlin more. I want to have more friends here. I want to feel more in control. I want to enjoy more of my life.
I want out of this spiral I’m trapped in.
I recently reread The Happiness of Pursuit by Chris Guillebeau. It’s about how pursuing a quest can give purpose and meaning to your life. The author set a quest for himself to get to every country in the world before age 35. (He completed it.) Other people he interviewed walked across countries, strove to see as many different kinds of birds as possible, or cooked a meal from every country in the world.
While navigating the city on those red and yellow trains, I’ve talked to Andy about my desire for a meaningful goal. A long (for me) trek somewhere interesting. Making it to every country in Europe by a certain time. Eating at one restaurant from every country in the world that’s represented in Berlin. They sound fun and challenging, though not quite the big one I’m looking for.
I’m craving that kind of purpose right now. I’m just not sure what my quest is yet.
December 3, 2015 @ 7:41 PM
I hear you loud and clear. Tired of being taken advantage of; tired of working for pennies.
I can’t wait to hear what your quest is!
December 4, 2015 @ 9:57 AM
Thanks Candice! I don’t feel like I’m being taken advantage of, but I’m definitely itching for some of my own projects to start making decent money instead of always being so reliant on other people. As for the quest, who knows! I do know that I won’t be following you on the Camino though!
December 4, 2015 @ 7:12 AM
“Mostly I’m realizing I need more of a purpose in my life. A big goal. A hobby that doesn’t involve leaving town.” I can absolutely relate. Well, I always enjoy your writing and I wish you the very best! Thanks for always being honest and sharing your thoughts.
December 4, 2015 @ 9:58 AM
Thank you Lauren! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one with some struggles.
December 4, 2015 @ 6:13 PM
I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling this way, it’s not nice to feel aimless 🙁
It is interesting to hear the story from this perspective, as I read and follow so many travel bloggers and can’t help but envy their carefree lives. Of course, I know that they work really hard, but sometimes on Snapchat it honestly looks like they move from country to country at whim, open up their laptops in a coffee shop, knock out a few articles, and earn $4000 a month. It makes me wonder why I am getting up at 6.30 every morning and doing a job that leaves me absolutely no time for writing (it does give me plenty of time for travelling though!). I often think about giving it all up to pursue a writing career – but I really don’t like the thought of going back to a salary as low as my first ever job 🙁
I hope you find your quest soon!!
December 7, 2015 @ 11:11 AM
Thanks! I’m definitely not in the same category as the full time traveler bloggers, traveling constantly from one country to the next. Not my thing. I like having a home. And I know what you mean about looking at them thinking they’re easily writing up a few articles and making tons of money. But they’re not. Freelance writing is hard, and honestly, I don’t like most of it. I have a steady contract of content writing that doesn’t involve any pitching from my side, so I like that. Most bloggers who make a living at it aren’t really making all their money from their blog, they’re cobbling together several different income streams. And it is a bit of a struggle for a lot of us. As for my quest, I’m working on a few ideas. I might have to just try one and see what it leads to, even if it doesn’t feel like the big one at first.
December 7, 2015 @ 5:02 PM
Ali, I think it can be so hard to find that next step — especially when it’s a BIG next step. But I love that you two have been taking train rides and creating time for discussion and brainstorming and dreaming. I think we have to give our minds the time and freedom to do all of that in order to find what the next thing is. It’ll come!
December 9, 2015 @ 9:54 AM
Thanks Heather! Definitely hard to find the next step. It’s hard to see beyond what my reality is today, so figuring out what I could change for a better direction…well, I’m having trouble even trying to write that sentence! Hopefully I’ll figure out something that works better for me soon.
December 7, 2015 @ 7:14 PM
Andy suggested I read this since I was/am going through something very similar, and I’m glad I did read it. I think I do have that “big thing” in my life, but even knowing what it is, you can sometimes get into that hole, where you don’t even want to try any longer, to give up because it’s not worth it and it won’t matter in the long run.
You’ve also made me really think about my priorities differently, something that’s been on my mind quite a bit lately. As a writer, I always get stuck in the mindset of “if I just had more time, I’d write more”, but rationally I know that’s not true. I have plenty of time to write, but I just don’t prioritize it, when I should because that IS my big goal. Anyway, what you wrote made me realize that, even not being locked down to a 9-5 job, free to travel whenever and wherever you want, it’s still not easy and what might start as extraordinary would just become…ordinary….again, that is with everything we do in life, I believe, since humans tend to adapt.
As another commenter said, it’s hard to find the next step in life, and even more so when you’re feeling stuck about where you currently are. The nice thing is that time always moves forward. Even when you’re feeling stuck, you’re really just moving towards that next big thing, even if you don’t realize it yet ^_^
December 9, 2015 @ 9:59 AM
Thanks Jeremy! You’re right, even know what your big is doesn’t make it easy to pursue. It’s tough to put your priorities in the right order and to actually act on it. And time…OMG I can relate! If I had more time, where did my time go, why don’t I have time for all these things I want to do… I do think my not-so-normal life has started to feel ordinary and routine, adapting like you said. I certainly don’t travel as much as I’d like, but I realize it’s still more than a lot of people. I hope we can both figure out a way to get unstuck!
December 29, 2015 @ 7:04 PM
Constantly focusing on travel topics for work has caused me to lose steam with my own blog. I still love travel, but I have a hard time conveying that passion in my personal writing.
I totally empathize. Part of why I halted my own blog was a similar loss of steam, caused in part by my inability to think of anything to write about that didn’t involve travel. The blog because less of a joy and more of a chore, and that wasn’t what I wanted.
I hope you find your goal, and I look forward to seeing what comes next. I always enjoy your writing.
December 31, 2015 @ 3:18 PM
Thanks Steven! I’m really hoping I can shift my focus in some areas of my life and give myself more variety, which should help. As much as I like routine, I need a change of pace sometimes too in order to not get bored. I think it would also help if I caught up on blogging so I can write about things that are more current to me!